one of the worst feelings in the world is that nauseating feeling you get whenever another "what if..." is added to your list. it makes you feel helpless and stupid... pissed off at the 'past you' because he/she didn't think about the 'future you'. physically speaking, of course, you are but one person. you are the same person you were two years ago, maybe wiser, maybe not. that's not a factor in this. the fact stands that you are still the one and only person you were in the past.
the thing about "what ifs" is that it's neither right nor wrong. this makes everything harder to cope, because here you are, living either its dream or its aftermath. it is all in your head, a mental struggle. there are clear advantages to this; if the outlook is optimistic, then the outcome will obviously convert itself to something beneficial, no matter how unpleasant it sounds. then again, the rope tugs at both ends. it's just as easy to consider the product as something detrimental. once again, it's all in the mind and how you want to interpret your actions.
for me, i've learned to be happy with the result. the past is done; i can look back at it, but i can't change it. and personally, i wouldn't alter a thing even if i had the power to "make things better" or "take back things i've said". what we can do, is change the future. it's okay to worry about the past, but never let it deviate you too much off course. there's a whole world out there for you. people seldom find it simply because their past is the string that attatches to its little puppet who is you.
it took me 18 years of my life to finally understand that. if you're stuck in the little room marked "past", i advise you to take a peek into the door right next door labeled "future". or why not look around in the halls and enjoy the "present"? venture around. i am positive that you will find something you like.
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